A Foot in the Mouth While the Other's on a Hill.

Arguments. They fuel distinction and dissention. But they, like scolding metal pressed under a hammer, bring out impurities. Many times, marriages fail because a false emphasis. That is, they focus on the fact that they are fighting not how they are fighting. Yes, a red alert to a marriage is how often these fights occur, but that’s another topic.

            My wife and I recently went up to Show Low to visit my dad and to escape the life sucking heat the sun empties on Phoenix. During that time, we had some rough spots, mainly me being irresponsible (forgetting to take the dog out before a three-hour car ride, “genius”) and even insensitive (yes, a man being insensitive to a pregnant lady is a shock). And I am sure that there are many marriages that run into those little tiffs. But here is the marriage saving tip: learn how to fight. See, Rissa could have easily said, “that’s it! I am moving back to my hometown. I can’t believe I married such a (chose your insult) …” Or I could have said, “…. You are (chose a critical comment)”.

            See, my innate default when it comes to conflict is to be a…. turtle.

I naturally hide in a shell quiet and “safe” while the other is railing they’re judgements at me, in what seems to be a worthless pursuit. But then, like a turtle, I snap out and lunge for an artery while the “opponent” isn’t expecting it. By the time they realize what happened, I am back in my fortress of solitude. Now I am quite aware that this is cowardice, I am not defending this trait…. God made me that way… just kidding. But here is the thing, I have had to learn to shed myself of that shell and be vulnerable to criticism, because that helps bring out the impurities (a work still in progress). And I have had to learn to listen without thinking about my case I need to build…. I just need to listen. There are many different forms people learn to take, perhaps you are a gorilla (you tend to explode any chance you get) or a fox (you hide and passively attack) etc. … These are ways in which people learn to “cope” with conflict and they are all damaging. They all breed the four horsemen of divorce:

·         Criticism (“you are always…” “you are such a…” “you never….”)

·         Defensiveness (you build your case)

·         Contempt (you harbor ill thoughts)

·         Stonewalling (you become unresponsive, you remove yourself emotionally and conversationally, you give the cold shoulder).

But the thing is, the Bible tells us exactly how to behave, “So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” Eph. 5:33 NLT. So what does this look like when it comes to fighting? First, let’s look at what it doesn’t look like (based off stereotypical behaviors in studies on gender conflict).

Men:

1.      Love doesn’t assume a powerful stance, don’t try and make her respect you. That is not your role.

2.      It doesn’t recollect all the “good” things you’ve done for her and the family (let’s face it, you probably haven’t come close to the word “sacrifice”).

3.      It doesn’t assert your strength, either physical or vocal.

4.      It doesn’t neglect (drinking, drugs, friends, video games, or T.V.)

Women:

1.      Respect doesn’t put down your husband.

2.      It doesn’t bring up their sins.

3.      It doesn’t use mind games or passive tactics.

4.      It doesn’t gossip.

Now, those are very general assessments. And obviously no one fits those to a tee. But here is the way you should fight based off psychological studies and Eph. 5:33:

·         Listen (one person has the floor and does not use criticism, no “you..”, just “I feel”, while the other say’s nothing)

·         Understand (the listener, when the time is up, reiterates and summarizes what the “floor owner” just said)

·         Validate (the listener then validates the other’s feelings “I can see how… makes you feel…” then offers their solutions on how they can change that behavior)

*Then the roles change*

See, fights in marriage (if done biblically) are like struggles in life, they only make you stronger and holier. As Paul says in Romans 5:3-5, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love” (NLT).